nightmares

i sat up straight in bed and wanted to cry. my heart ached and my head was spinning. my stomach was in knots. i trembled. i seethed. my jaw was tight. i was angry and hurt and confused, but mostly angry. terrible thoughts raced through my mind...how could he? how dare he? i looked at my (innocent) husband next to me, still sound asleep, and i was red hot mad at him.   

i couldn't go back to sleep. as much as i tried to convince myself of what was real and what was not, the nightmare had successfully confused me. my imagination ran wild with terrible images of the man i love. blatant lies. in my mind, my family was being torn apart and it was all his fault. but in reality, there he was, sleeping peacefully. in the darkness of the nightmare, i couldn’t even see that.

in reality, i'm confident and secure in my relationships. when i'm awake and aware, i'm strong and trusting. 

when the nightmares invade, though, my confidence is shaken. to the core. i walk with caution, second-guessing everyone and everything. i am weak. i am not myself. 

when the nightmares come, i cry out to my God for His comfort. i want Him to hold me and reassure me. i want nothing of these nightmares. i don't want them to torment me when i'm asleep or when i'm awake. i don’t want this ongoing battle. i want discernment. i want peace. and i want it quick and easy.

i got out of bed, walked through a fog and to the other room, and grabbed my Bible. i flipped right open to the page marked with a hot pink Post-It where i wrote in “me” everywhere it says “you”. 

1 Peter 5:8: 

“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The devil is poised to pounce, 

and would like nothing better than to catch ME napping. Keep MY guard up.”

i read it again. and again. in my head, and then a whisper. keep a cool head.

then i flipped to the orange Post-It 

Ephesians 6:10: 

“God is strong, and He wants me strong. So take everything the Master has set out for me, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so I will be able to stand up to everything the devil throws my way...Be prepared. I’m up against far more than I can handle on my own...Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. I’ll need them throughout my life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon! In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long.”

and that's it. i am comforted. i am awake. it was just a nightmare. 


this song is my go-to, my weapon of choice, when darkness tries to invade my mind....sing with me...